1. Prepare the child in advance as much as possible. Practice for the trip for a period leading up to the actual travels. Talk about the upcoming experience to help your child overcome anxiety. Act out or role play anticipated events in advance, from taking off shoes for airport security to applauding after a toast.

2. Redirect anxious energy into constructive activity. To take the edge off the potential anxiety of seeing many less familiar faces all at once, make the event a fun and educational by creating a special activity. Create a small photo album featuring people who will be at the event, and help your child play “Family Bingo,” checking off each person he or she greets or sees across the room. Or, create a pictogram of your itinerary or agenda and help your child follow along.
3. Encourage creative expression. For those able to write or draw, a pocket journal or sketchbook for illustrating what they’re experiencing can provide another useful outlet. Children who are more observers than participants may appreciate assignments such as taking pictures with a
digital camera.
4. Don’t expect perfection. Whenever you travel with children, it’s best to “expect the unexpected,” or at least leave room for something to pop up to divert you from your agenda.
5. Secure an extra set of hands. Try traveling with a friend, family member or caregiver to help keep things in order when you’re on the move, provide manpower for carrying belongings and an extra set of eyes, and even make bathroom breaks with multiple children an easier task.
6. Manage expectations for you and your hosts. A pending visit from a special needs child may produce stress for the host as well as the child and the parent. Prepare everyone by communicating your child’s needs in advance and asking for some general ground rules for inside the home, as a gesture toward making the visit as pleasant and peaceful as possible.
7. Bring along some “friends.” Pack a bag of objects that are fun and familiar. Sensory gadgets/fidgets, noise reduction headphones, weighted vests, or favorite belongings from home will help filter out outside stimuli and provide a comforting connection to “home.”
8. Minimize changes to eating habits. Try to keep your child’s diet consistent to prevent constipation, indigestion, allergic reactions or other adverse developments. Feed your child something satisfying to comfort them before a long  trip, and take along favorite utensils as a connection to more familiar situations. Don’t expect your child to sit for an entire meal. Rather, prepare a spot where he or she can rest, play or calm down while the meal continues.
9. RX for safer travels.  Ready a medicine kit with prescriptions, medical information and OTC products to confront fevers, allergies, cuts and other issues that may surface when you travel out of your home.
10. Preserve the moment but reserve time for breaks.  The ingredients of posing for pictures –people huddled close together, bright flashes, noise and the need to stay still – can lead to overstimulation. Don’t oblige your child to participate in all the photos, and be sure to take
breaks in between.“Traveling with a special needs child – or any child, for that matter – needn’t be a stressful event,” Weiss says. “In fact, it can be a great experience, offering lessons and fond memories for all. The keys are to prepare everyone in advance, include a few fun and  familiar items and activities, and above all remember that it takes time and patience to learn how to manage change.”

Do you know how I feel? The ability to identify with other people’s emotions can elude children who struggle to process verbal and non-verbal cues.   How can parents and teachers coach kids to develop empathy, a key to successful relationships at every stage of life?  We asked Lauren Zimet, a leading speech pathologist who works with children on the spectrum as well as individuals who don’t have a formal diagnosis but misinterpret social cues.

“I’m a big believer in setting children up for success. Before going in to a new or different situation, parents can role play with children, and model the expected and desired behaviors. Behavior is communication, and we can empower our children with tools to be effective communicators early on.

Where should I start?

“Take 10 slow deep breaths periodically throughout the day to relax your mind and body, and reduce anxiety.  Regular practice of breathing techniques builds immunity, and improves nervous system functioning and emotional regulation — in children and adults.

What are some techniques that help parents teach empathy?

Here are 10 activities that families can easily do at home or in their daily routine:

1. Draw “Feeling Faces” together and create a special family feeling poster to frame and hang up as a visual reminder.
2. Search magazines together for pictures of different feeling faces and make a collage. Then hypothesize why someone may feel a certain way.
3. Make photo books with children, and label the photos with emotions so your child can flip through and identify how his friends and family members are feeling in each situation.
4. Play board games that are designed to help children learn about empathy in ways that are fun for the whole family. I like Guess How I Feel? from Fun and Function.  I’ve played it with girls and boys of different ages, and the groups had meaningful reflections on the situation cards, guessing why a person may have a certain expression or response.
5. Encourage your child to see things from another person’s perspective. “You’re really good at soccer. How do you think the new player feels, sitting out, watching the team play? What can you do?”  “How do you think your sister felt when she didn’t get the singing part in the play?” “How do you think this person feels by looking at her face?”
6. Help your child recognize that people have different interests and preferences. See if your child can list the favorite ice cream flavors of family members or friends. Or ask what different people do for fun: Who plays baseball? Who builds with Legos? Who plays cards? Who plays video games? This sounds simple, but even older children can benefit from a habit of reminding themselves of their friends’ likes and dislikes before they get together. Have a discussion prior to a sleepover or play date: ”Let’s discuss what you and Michael may like to do when he comes over this weekend.” Taking time to discuss an event in advance shows your child that you care, and you are considering another person’s feelings and needs in the plan.
7. While reading stories to children, stop and ask children to identify the characters’ feelings in the story. Discuss how the characters’ behaviors reveal their feelings.
8. Do simple role-playing such as show me how your body and face would look if someone yelled at you, or knocked down your Lego building.  Or what if you found a puppy on the playground, or received a surprise visit from Grandma and Grandpa
9. Help children recognize that people may have different feelings about the same thing: “Cole likes to climb high on the jungle gym, but Wyatt doesn’t.”
10. Help children recognize that their feelings about a situation may change. “Jesse, you are feeling sad now and want to sit by yourself, but later you may feel differently and may want to join the group at circle time.”

How can educators reinforce empathy in the classroom?

Teachers can have a tremendous impact every day, especially with young students who look up to them.  In addition to modeling and facilitating empathy in the classroom, teachers can establish foundational skills in talking about feelings. 
Preschoolers and Elementary school children who are able to identify a wide range of facial expressions and non-verbal body language have a head start on the empathy characteristic.  In our Healthy Foundations curriculum, young students identify different feeling faces (drawings, pictures, and photographs), make their own feeling faces, share feelings with family members and friends, and then guess or infer why a person may look and feel that way.

Because our kids are newly 11 and about to turn 9, we thought Disneyland would be the ticket. They’re the perfect ages to really enjoy it. We were concerned, however. As I’ve mentioned before, Logan has a congenital heart defect, and Joseph has behavioral, learning, and mental issues. Here were our concerns:

• The heat – it was due to be really hot the weekend we picked. Due to his heart, Logan’s metabolism tends to go into overdrive, making him overheat faster and sweat more than other kids.
• The rides – due to Logan’s heart, and the those disclaimers posted on the rides, would he be able to ride anything but the merry-go-round?
• The lines – how would Joseph handle long lines of doing nothing?
• The crowds – how would Joseph handle the press of people, as one of his diagnoses is social phobia?

We called Logan’s cardiologist. She assured us that she thought he would be completely fine. She said that the issue with the rides is the thrill factor, and the resulting release of adrenalin. She said to start small, and use our judgment to gauge his body’s reaction after each ride. That worked our JUST fine. He rode Space Mountain, and his heart was pounding out of his chest after, but there was no dizziness or chest pains. He, however, decided he truly hated roller coasters and refused all of them. Once that happened, it became a non-issue.

To help avoid the crowds, we planned on both California Adventure and Disneyland, but switched the days so we went to California Adventure first (most people do it the other way around). We also booked a cheap motel within walking distance so we wouldn’t have to drive home and back again (we live about an hour away). We made sure NOT to go Easter weekend.

When we arrived at California Adventure on the first day, we went to their guest relations department. We told them why we were there, and ended up wearing first visit, celebration, and anniversary buttons! As a result, cast members throughout the park would stop us and congratulate us. Silly, but made us (and the kids) feel very special and important. We also asked them about special needs passes. They said they might be able to help us out, and didn’t need specified diagnoses, however, they wanted to know our specific concerns for our time there. We told them, and they gave us a special Guest Assistance pass for both days. What that meant was, in front of each ride, we would show that pass to the cast member working there, and they would tell us where to go. That may mean going up the exit, or going in the disabled entrance, or using the Fast Pass line.

The result was phenomenal. It meant that we maybe waited 15 minutes (usually much less) for every ride. It meant that Logan wasn’t simmering in the sun. It meant that we weren’t having to distract Joseph from the time it took in line. It meant that when we were waiting, we were in a quieter area with a MUCH less press of people. On the first day, at California Adventure, we were done with every single thing we wished to do by 3pm. And it was perfect because that was about when Joseph was just about done and needed decompression time. So, we were able to walk back to our hotel room, let him decompress with his DS and quiet time, and then go out to dinner and go back to see their World of Color show late that evening. It was perfect. On the next day at Disneyland, we had done everything we wanted to do, and were out of there at 5pm on our way home.

And on a side note, they did the Jedi Training Academy. They were on cloud nine after individually fighting Darth Vader and Darth Maul. (With light sabers! and a Padawan’s cloak! We’re in training now!) If you have Star Wars fans, I highly recommend it. The looks on their faces are ones I’ll never forget.

Joseph never lost it once, Logan never got overheated, and we were able to see or ride everything we thought the kids would enjoy without feeling rushed or pushing the kids too hard. PS – Joseph LOVES roller coasters, which brought a tear to his coaster-lovin’ daddy’s eye.

Every single castmember (with the exception of one, which I’m chalking up to a  bad day) was incredibly accomodating, kind, polite, professional, and treated us with respect. There were no rolling eyes or sighs. It made my kids’ first experience with Disney (or any other theme park) a truly magical one. This isn’t something we do, so I believe this will be a wonderful memory for the kids forever.

So, thank you Disneyland, for giving my family wonderful memories with dignity.

I think the one thing that a parent needs to remember is that it does effect the siblings. Don’t ever assume that your other kids are “just fine” or “don’t need you as much.” It’s just not true. They need you just as much, just in different ways. They have problems, they just are “normal” problems they need your help navigating through, whether it’s issues with friends, schoolwork, or just plain growing up.

They could have issues specifically related to your Autistic child. They might be embarrassed, concerned, impatient, worried, or angry. They may be feeling left out due to the time it takes to provide your Autistic child with their therapies and doctor visits, or just the extra time it takes to get through daily life. Siblings just need that extra time to help them get support through growing up, too.

One thing you could do to help, especially if they display particularly negative feelings towards Autism or their Autistic brother or sister, is to really explain to them what Autism is, and what it does to the person diagnosed with it. Use terms they understand, and make sure to parallel what you’re explaining to real-life examples. It will help them respond from a more understanding place when your Autistic child display behavior outside of the “typical.” If your child uses special communication tools, be sure that their sibling knows how to use it and communicate with it.

All the kids need one on one time with their parents. They need the space and time to know they can talk to you in private. They also need the time together to feel special and unique to you. This can be one of the hardest things for you to accomplish due to time. It’s also one of the most important. That is that special time when you learn the hearts of your children and cultivate the trust in you they need to succeed, and the ability to confide in you. If this is truly difficult to do, you will want to contact your therapy providers and county mental health departments to see if you can get into a respite program.

Do whatever you can to make sure that your children’s interests are fulfilled. Whether that’s music lessons, art or dance class, extra tutoring, or sports. Of course you need to make it manageable for your family’s time and resources, but they need to feel as if what they care about is important too.

A lot of these things are common sense and naturally navigated just by keeping them in mind. Watching all your kids and their interactions and reactions to each other and situations that arise is important. Pay attention, and you’ll see where you need to emphasize attention on your kids. As with everything else in dealing with special needs, do what you can, research your options, communicate, and love-love-love.

If you have specific strategies or suggestions in dealing with the sibling issue, please respond in the comments below!

Upon identifying concerns, it is important to consult with your Pediatrician and/or Pediatric Gastroenterologist to confirm that problem is not related to any other underlying medical condition(s).

In cases of constipation, there can be multiple, often co-existing causes.Many children with SPD (sensory processing disorder) have poor eating habits due to oral sensitivity and eat only ‘white foods’ or similar low fiber foods. In addition, these children are often scared to relieve themselves and withhold due (but not limited) to:

1. Increased physical awareness of bowl movements and related discomfort due to super sensitive tactile systems
2. Fear of falling into the toilet due to poor balance
3. Fear of the noises in the bathroom ie: the ‘flush’, pipe noises etc.
4. A desire to control the environment.

Some children also present with hypotonia (low tone) and have difficulty digesting food in an efficient manner.

Constipation is terribly uncomfortable. Think of the way you feel when you are constipated. Words such as bloated, moody, sick, nauseous, sluggish and crampy may come to mind. Children with SPD who are constipated often complain of stomach pain and can become even more emotionally sensitive and are often explosive.

Dealing with food sensitivities and related constipation can be difficult but real progress can be made with effort and dedication. The following is a list of strategies I have found to be helpful.

Toileting

• Decorate the bathroom with your child by hanging up pictures, placing favorite books or stuffed animals nearby, adding music. Try creating an environment that is as appealing to the child as possible (put this in perspective- we all enjoy our own bathroom comforts and reading our materials-don’t we?!)
• Make sure the child is comfortable and posturally stable on toilet by placing a stool under his her feet and/or using a toilet insert
• Have child choose and decorate the plastic exterior of the toilet insert
• Have the child sit on the toilet for 10 minutes at least twice a day
• Talk to the child about his/her toileting schedule including what he should expect ie: how long he will sit on the toilet. Prepare the child with your expectations.
• Explain to the child the natural physical consequences of withholding (ie: stomach pain)
• Include the child in the process ask him/her for ideas to increase cooperation and success
• Praise, praise, praise and positive reinforcement. Start with praise for behaviors such as relaxed sitting on the toilet and/or tasting healthy new foods. Chart progress and reward
• Have the child consistently look at and evaluate the quality of his/her stool (ideal stool should be medium brown, the color of plain cardboard with the consistency of toothpaste, approximately 4 to 8 inches long. There should be little gas or odor)

Eating

• The importance of Eating Meals Together as a family cannot be emphasized enough. Children see others eating a variety of foods in a relaxed setting and over time become motivated to participate.
• Encourage the child to start by smelling and tasting a small bit of food. Most times, repeated exposure to an undesired or new food is required before a ‘picky’ child is willing to eat.
• Use appealing adjectives for healthy food such as sweet, tasty, delicious, fragrant, yummy, beautiful, crunchy, fantastic, and savory. Studies have shown that this increases the desire and perceived tastiness of the food
• Include the child in food and menu preparation. Teach the child about the health benefits of good food
• Increase the child’s daily fiber and water intake by using strategies listed above
• Talk with your pediatrician about giving your child a stool softener such as Miralax

“If he just had more consistent discipline at home…” Have you seen my kids at the picnic compared to the “typical” ones?

“He just needs to try harder…” Did you want to come home and attempt the 3 hours of homework with ADD and specified learning disabilities? Because I would be happy to arrange it. That might even mean not having tears after homework! Mine… Not his.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when an aide made a lazy mistake, and my son had a total nervous breakdown. He was unable to return to school for two months. I told the previous administration that he would not be returning, and we went on to an “alternative” school.

This has got to be the best thing we’ve ever done for our child other than actually bringing him into the world. For the first time in his decade on the planet, I left an IEP meeting feeling encouraged. Enlightened. Empowered. And that my son’s future – whatever it look like – is going to be fabulous. I’m not saying he doesn’t have problems anymore. Quite the contrary. Instead, however, we have an administration who looks at the issues from his point of view. Instead of an administration who said, “if he just got this under control, he could be a great artist,” I have an administration that says, “Wow! He’s a great artist.” Instead of an administration that surrounded the child with grownups attempting to “calm” him (and then calling us to peel him from the ceiling,) we have an administration that says, “Here’s a room. Use it. We won’t bug you. We’ll talk when you think you’re ready.” Want to know how many times I had to go to the school since January? Twice. For a cold and a flu. Old school? 2-3 times per week, plus suspensions, plus mental health days when I knew he wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. Has he had issues? You bet. He wouldn’t be at this school if there weren’t. But they seem to be the right people to handle them for my son.

Remember, you have options. You can stand up and listen to yourself and say, “This is not working for my child.” Listen to the professionals you’re working with. Try their ideas. But when your gut turns around and says , “Nope” listen to it. You know this child. It took drastic measures for me to listen to what I already knew. I allowed others to dictate what I knew and didn’t know. I won’t make that mistake again. You have options. It might be as simple as a change in schedule. It might be a different school. It might be a different teacher, doctor, or therapist. Shoot – it might just be a different desk! When something isn’t working, don’t try to pigeon-hole your family into what you’re “supposed” to be doing. Instead, try to find what works. Listen to yourself.

I live in Southern California, where the Station Fire happened last August. Actually, it started in our town. We dealt with it, just as any family deals with actual or impending crises. You don’t have a choice, but we had to deal with their fears that the fires were going to “get us.” Then, we dealt with flooding issues as the seasonal rains poured down the scorched mountains. Or there are the various environmental incidents that my children learned about during “Earth Week.” Or there was the Times Square bombing attempt. The Greece riots. My point is, at any given time – something terrible is going on in the world somewhere. Our kids are seeing it with their own eyes, or learning about it in school, or hearing about it on the news or in passing at home.

My kids have been having a rough time coming to terms with “bad things happen.” So, how do you deal with it? By the way, that’s not a rhetorical introductory question to some profound truth I’m going to share with you. I want to know, how do you deal with it?

Here at home, I’ve been taking the time when they ask, or notice something on the news, to explain the situation. I go through the origins of the particular event. It seems to help them process when they have a cause and effect scenario rather than just chaos. I’ve also been explaining to them that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, and we’ll help them deal with whatever comes. We’ve explained that it’s mom and dad’s job to think about it and not theirs – we will take care of them. We’ve also gone through our family’s emergency preparedness plan (we’re in “earthquake country” as well as being in a forest/brush fire zone.) It’s almost as if the fact that we, the parents, have indeed thought about these things calms them, especially my oldest who struggles with depression and anxiety.

The truth is, I’m winging it. I’m just trying to allay their fears the best way I can from the gut. Sometimes I really lament the fact that we don’t get an instruction manual with these little beings.

So, how do you handle it? Do you have suggestions for me? Let me know in the comments section!

Listening to peals of laughter from him as he read the book convinced my husband that he needed to re-read Matilda. And my jealousy of Father and Son who were now in on all the good jokes convinced me to join the club.

What fun! I was laughing. Out loud. It was so much fun being a kid again and thought provoking to look at the world from the perspective of a small child. I was reminded of how giant and scary and controlling adults can be. The Trunchbull (the nasty principal who dangles children by their braids – upside down) was downright terrifying. Unless you were as intrepid as Matilda and willing to punish adult misdeeds behind the scenes, you were incarcerated. Hopeless. The adults never believed their children’s tales from school- or were downright nasty themselves.

I stared soul searching when my son innocently asked “If the Trunchbull was my teacher and I told you what she did to us, would you believe me?” Gosh, do you believe everything your child complains about?! So I became more understanding of my children. At least for a day. I was reminded of the importance to really listen when they talk. Make eye contact. Show and really feel empathy; “you seem so sad, I would feel sad if that happened to me”. Little people have big people feelings. Instead of responding to outrageous requests with “NO. Why? because I am THE MOTHER” I gave more choices “do you want to go to sleep now, or now?” kidding — more like “do you want to sleep in your pink pjs or your nightgown”?

Alas, my adult instincts returned rather quickly as I found myself lecturing my brood about the definition of f-i-c-t-i-o-n, and what is NEVER to be tried at home, after I overheard the conversation he had with his 6 and 4 year old sisters ” Yes, she glued the hat to his head. Crazy glue- you know- in the kitchen drawer, very, very strong”.

Alas, we all grow up at some point. I hope my son does not find this analysis to use for his book report (due next week…) And now, on to James and the Giant Peach…

Comfort. Safety. Security. For children, these are all synonymous with love. Children have their binkies. Their blankies. Name a nonsensical thing, and I’m sure there’s a lovie out there with the name. For our kids, comfort objects are even more important to their development. They need something they feel is secure. They need something that soothes them. Period.

So, how do you support your kid’s need for their lovie of choice? What’s socially acceptable? First, you present some to them. And keep presenting things until something clicks. They need that security that they equate to love. And then you respect it. Socially acceptable behavior is something that happens over time, over the course of our children’s various therapies, and exposures to other families and kids. In my opinion? It’s important for them to have the security… and then eventually the security to let it go.

At least you respect it until it doesn’t look like the object it is, and you become determined to get that sucker into the washing machine, pronto. And then come your maneuvers in the middle of the night worthy of Mission Impossible to get it clean before the kid wakes up. But, I digress.

So, what happens when you go out into public? The younger the kids are, the less likely you’ll get the look. But what about when their older? I don’t have any concrete recommendations, to be honest. I’ve learned to have a hard skin when it comes to that sort of thing. As far as I’m concerned, the people who stare/judge can go live their own life – sans lovie. However, you do need to gauge your child. They do need to make progress towards behaviors that will serve them later in life. Do they still need it? Do they need something else? Are they ready to move on during the day, but still need it at night in bed? Let them lead you. Experiment. It’s a good lesson for them in gauging what it is they’re actually feeling. The bottom line is – the thing gives them comfort and security. Like most things in parenting… follow your child’s cues. There aren’t any rules here. Maybe you move from one kind to another – blanket to fidget for example. Perhaps the comfort item becomes an at home thing, and you can substitute a different, more socially acceptable item out of the house.

We want to know what you do! What comforts your child? We’d love to see it- and know why your child loves it! Post a photo of your child with his/her favorite soothing object or just the object itself on the Fun and Function Facebook page, or Tweet about this contest on Twitter and enter to win a Sen-sational Hug Tee! Sen-sational Hug tees were created for just that purpose- to help children calm, relax and feel secure. All kids can get calming compression with these fun seamless, tagless shirts made of organic cotton and spandex. In fact, one mom  told us she couldn’t wait to get the Sens-ational Shirts.  “Now my daughter won’t have to wear her speedo bathing suit day and night!”

Rules: Five winners will be selected on Dec 23rd and announced on Fun and Function’s Facebook page. To enter, please:

1. post a picture of your child with the object that comforts him/her and/or the object that comforts your child to Fun and Function’s Facebook page.
   
2. You can also earn extra entries by becoming a fan of Fun and Function on Facebook, following FunandFunction on Twitter, tweeting about this contest, posting a comment on Facebook or blogging about this contest. Please leave a separate comment to this blog with link for each entry.

Yes, you can try and teach manners. Thank you’s are very important, as well as maintaining dignity in the face of that truly horrendous Christmas Sweater grandma slaved over. But really? I think it comes down to us teaching our kids something other than etiquette. It comes down to teaching our kids gratitude.

You see, gratitude is a that undefinable emotion behind the receiving of the gift. When someone groans, or otherwise acts awful when opening a gift – it’s not the lack of manners that hurts the gift-giver, it’s the lack of gratitude. That one groan just told the gift-giver that their thought, attention, time, and money was for nothing. That they are not appreciated.

Truly, I believe an attitude and outlook on life from a basis of gratitude is a good, humbling thing that will see your child through a host of life’s circumstances. Why not take the time to think about, and implement those teachings into your celebrations this year? This life lesson isn’t about the season, or gifts. This life lesson is a concept that will serve your child well… And you, too, if you’ve forgotten how to feel gratitude while dealing with the multitude of responsibilities your life holds.

I’m sure that there are plenty of resources out there giving you some concrete ways to teach your kids about gratitude… But I think there is one that is most important. Example. Lead them with your actions. Talk about what you’re doing when you’re doing it. Be expressive in your own gratitude. Gratitude often leads to charity. Let them see that in you, and your child will grow with a grateful heart. They might not be able to articulate it. They might not be able to tell you. But I bet if you watch their actions, you’ll see where your example has led.