I’m worried about my 6 year old daughter who is beginning to show signs of what we and the school recognize as low self-esteem: she is very needy and feels unable to ‘do’ for herself. The way we see the situation, she is a real middle child: totally overpowered by a super-bright, super achieving 7 year old brother and shown up by a precocious, unbelievably verbal 3 year old sister. In addition, the 6 year old is kind of clumsy and not particularly good in anything that her siblings excel at, so it’s only natural that she doesn’t feel good about herself. What ideas do you have to help her see herself in a better light?
Dr. T. Replies,
Small children can and do develop feelings of poor self esteem from an early age, and you are a wise mother to address these feelings now.
As a first step, I want to caution you about buying into assigned roles and positions for each child in the family- such as the idea that one is bright and one is average -lest these views become damaging, self-fulfilling prophesies. Your children are young; the extent of their strengths and weaknesses is yet to be discovered. Furthermore, we are all - even small children- subject to ebb and flow in our lives, times we do better, times worse. It is not in your child’s best interest, nor is it accurate, to predict his future ability and capability.
The awareness that the child will continue to grow and develop- while obvious to us adults- is little comfort to the child who feels bad about himself now. Dr. Robert Brooks, a noted psychologist, in his book Raising Resilient Children suggests that each child needs to develop an ‘island of competence’ -an area where he does well. By having this one talent, the child derives satisfaction from his accomplishment and the positive recognition of others. So, observe your child carefully; be a ‘talent scout’ and see what you come up with. One small child, for example, loved to color and glitter and turn paper into cards. With some minor guidance, she became the family/neighborhood card- maker, designing a card for every occasion, and non-occasion as well. This child felt good about her role and her art-work, and she basked in the recognition and appreciation of it by others.
Another useful strategy is to help children see a mistake as a learning opportunity, not a defeat. Children, particularly those with shaky self esteem, are often afraid to act for fear of making a mistake and suffering shame. When a parent projects the attitude that a mistake is simply a mistake, the child feels more ready to take a risk and act .Your child’s developing the ability to look at his mistake not as a failure, but as part of the normal learning process is an invaluable gift for now and for the future.
Self esteem is both an internal process -how we see ourselves, and an external process - how we see ourselves reflected in the eyes of others. Our parents are our first mirror: they see us and then reflect what they see back to us. So, in countless small ways you want to mirror your 4 your old and tell her how loved -hence lovable- she is. Your smile and your warm tone of voice, your spending ‘alone’ time and your enjoying her company or ‘help’ -all these small gestures tell your daughter how special she is. To a four year old child, a parent is all-knowing and powerful, so, if you say she is wonderful, it must be true.
A closing note - self esteem is an evolving, lifelong process, so don’t expect change in a week. But, be assured that your positive feelings for your child when conveyed to that child on a consistent basis is the cornerstone for her belief in herself - the beginning of self esteem.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist in private practice in Los Angeles and Clinical Director of Etta Israel Center, a Los Angeles based center for youth with special needs
Please submit your question for Dr. T to blog@funandfunction.com
Our new website By Kids Only lets kids have a say about what their clothing should look like. With parental supervision, kids can share their design ideas with friends and family and solicit votes. We are super excited to create the first seamless, tagless therapeutic clothing line designed by kids but need as many entries as we can so the first designs are as kid friendly as possible.
We are conducting a Magical Apparel giveaway (your choice vest with 5 half pound weights) to generate ideas, comments and feedback. A winner will be randomly drawn on Thurs April 30th. To enter please submit your child’s drawing to ByKidsOnly.com and comment on this blog with a link to the drawing. You can also earn extra entries by providing feedback about ByKidsOnly, following FunandFunction on twitter, tweeting about this contest, or blogging about this contest. Please leave a separate comment with link when necessary for each entry.
We are please to (belatedly )announce that CanCan (Mom Most Traveled) is the Winner of this contest! Congratulations!
Last week I caught my 7 year old son attempting to throw out his coat. I thankfully caught him and redirected him to write down his feelings. This is what he wrote :
The Evil Coat.
INTRODUCTION:
The evil coat is very bad. It holds on to 7 year old David all the time and makes him so hot. Now this is the bad part. You have to wait until you are at least eighteen to be on your own to go to Antarctica. Even when it is boiling outside. So this is the story of the evil coat:
Once there once was somebody named David. David had a coat and it made David so hot that David called his coat the evil coat. So David hatched a plan. David took his transformer computer and turned his coat into an ice shaped like a coat. But when David put on his ice coat it turned in to 100 degree water. Then it got David all wet and hot David hates getting wet and hot. Then David took his transformer computer turned his coat into $900, 000, 000, and David brought a plane with his $900, 000, 000, and flew to Florida. But the transformer computer malfunctioned and turned the leftover money back into a coat. So David took his transformer computer which put some sand into David’s coat. David then threw his coat into the ocean and a shark ate the coat. David was very happy. But the coat came out of the shark’s tail and floated onto the sand in China. David saw this on his transformer computer and was very angry and he tried to give away his coat instead, but no kid wanted his coat. So David decided to throw out his coat, but when the coat was in the dump there was a cave under the dump with a man in it. This man loved coats so he took the coat and gave it back to David. David then decided to rocket the coat up to space. Then, then the sun turned the coat into a fireball that fell into the Pacific Ocean. The same shark ate the fireball and the shark died. David finally got rid of his coat and lived happily ever after.
THE END
Many children , especially those with sensory processing disorder have sensitivities to the texture, design and fit of their clothing. They might complain about a host of issues including but not limited to getting dressed, feeling itchy and scratchy, seams, tightness of clothing, tags and scent of their clothing. They might refuse to get dressed in the morning, insist on wearing only one outfit and yank off their socks/pants/shirt as soon as they return home. These sensitivities can affect social and scholastic performance as their focus is shifted to the way they feel.
Adults have the control to choose what they want to wear based on their feelings and sensitivities whereas children are often told what to do. If an adult chooses to wear something soft it is a “personal preference”. If a child insists on wearing his soft shirt he is “stubborn”and “rigid”.
We are out to give children more control over the design, style and fit of their clothing with our our new website www.ByKidsOnly.com. By Kids Only encourages children ( with parental supervision) to draw and design their dream clothing. Submitted designs can be shared with other adults and children and voted on. Winning designs will be turned into real clothing!
As for my son– we now let go out into the cold with an open zipper. It sure beats moving to Antarctica.
Please take a moment and vote here for our new site ByKidsOnly.com which gives kids a chance to weigh in on what they want to wear. Many children, even at a young age, have very specific ideas about what they like to wear, from color to design to fabric to less visible components like tags and seams. Other children, especially those with Autism and sensory processing disorder, have very real physical aversions and behavioral responses to these factors. ByKidsOnly.com gives both types of children, and everyone wanting to express their sense of style, an outlet where they can submit and vote on ideas and see some of them turned into clothing of organic cotton that can be purchased from the site.
I have 4 children -ages 4 to 12- and they just don’t listen to a word I say!
We’ve tried prizes and punishments, taking away privileges and time-outs, but nothing works for more than a few days. Sometimes, in my frustration, I just begin to yell, and though that seems to work for the moment, I feel really bad about myself afterwards.
Can you help me?
Desperate and at my Wits’ End
——————————-
Dear Desperate,
Getting kids to listen is a major parental concern: it certainly is the most common issue in both my office and my parenting groups.
You certainly are insightful to note that yelling does work- in the short run. Yelling is scary- seeing a parent ‘losing it’ is frightening and the child will generally comply so as to ‘right’ things in the family. However, once that fear factor is removed, the child quickly reverts back to his old behavior. In short, he has learned nothing. So the cycle of misbehavior continues. Yelling does not work in the long run. It is not an effective tool of discipline, but rather a manifestation of the parent’s frustration and poor self control.
What does work is setting a few consistent rules. Ideally, these rules are made together with your children in a family meeting, because kids are more likely to adhere to a system where they have had input. So, some basic rules like, “Speak kindly” and “Put away your stuff” are clear and easy to follow. You don’t want to start with too many rules. Anyone who has made a number of New Year’s resolutions knows what I mean.
What is most important is the consistent reinforcement of the rules- so that the kids learn to follow the rules and, additionally, the concept that rules have meaning and are meant to be kept. Behavior theory has determined that the best way to ensure the following of a rule is by positive reinforcement: tangible- like prizes, charts etc.; or intangible like verbal praise, thanx etc. The salient factor is consistency: reinforcing each time the child follows the rule, until the behavior becomes second nature and gradually requires less and less reward.
A word about positive reinforcement: lots of parents will say that it just doesn’t work! Actually, the difficulty is not with this method itself, but rather in finding something that is reinforcing for the particular child in question. Some kids are easy to reinforce; they like hugs or ’stuff.’ Others cannot be bought so easily, and it’s quite a challenge to determine what would be motivating to them. However, by getting to know your kid- his likes and dislikes- and by, perhaps, including him in the process, you will not only find the ‘magic key’, but also deepen your relationship with the child.
Though consistency is the basis of teaching rules, I do want to distinguish between consistency and rigidity. Consistency is good; rigidity is not. So, here’s the deal: if something does not work, doing more of it will certainly not work. So, if what you’re doing is unsuccessful, you need to change the music; you need to do something different. Being flexible and open to change are hallmarks of effective parenting; being rigid and ’stuck’ are recipes for disaster. It has been noted that what was special about FDR was not his brilliance (he was not!), but his willingness to always try something new (witness the New Deal). Similarly, when our best efforts fail, we need to be open to trying another method, another way.
Discipline is a very complex, important issue in dealing with our kids and often sets the whole tone of our children’s childhood. I encourage you to go beyond this brief response and read some of the very excellent parenting books on this topic; I highly recommend the STEP series (any book in this series) by Dinkmeyer and McKay.
Dr. Sara Teichman is a psychotherapist in private practice in Los Angeles and Clinical Director of Etta Israel Center, a Los Angeles based center for youth with special needs
Please submit your question for Dr. T to blog@funandfunction.com
As a parent of a child living with ADHD, autism, and/or a learning disability do you often feel that you are always saying, “No?”
Do your days often sound like this:
“No, you may not jump on the couch.”
“No, you can’t go outside in shorts when it is snowing out.”
No, you cannot eat mac n’ cheese at every meal.”
“No, please don’t hit your brother, chase the cat, eat in the living room……..”
Many parents get stuck in the cycle of “no”when their child challenges rules and expectations, or is just unaware of what is expected of them. Parents become overwhelmed because they feel they have only two tools in their toolbox, “No,’ and “Yes.”
But a creative parenting strategy is to use more than just those two tools. Like any prepared handyman (or woman) you need many tools for the job of parenting your unique child.
On of the most powerful tools in the parenting toolbox is the strategy of Redirection. Redirection involves diverting your child from an undesireable behavior (such as jumping on the couch) to a desireable behavior (jumping on a trampoline). Redirection can almost eliminate “No” as a primary parenting approach because you replace the , “No, you can’t do……” to :Honey, why don’t you do……”
Let’s use the jumping on the couch scenario as an example. Your child has had a long day and needs to blow off some steam. He has ADHD, is unfocused and hyperactive. He needs to move and, hey, jumping on the couch is fun! As a parent, you do not want your child jumping on your couch! Your first instinct is to run in the living room and shout, “Hey, stop jumping on the couch!” Chances are your child will hear you , but have a really hard time stopping his jumping. He needs to move, he likes to jump, it is just so fun, and no one has offered an alternative.
Now let’s try to redirect your child from couch jumping. Child jumping, parent wants jumping to stop. Parent walks into living room and says, “Hey, you know we don’t jump on the couch. It isn’t safe. Why don’t you go downstairs and jump on your trampoline for awhile?” Your child now hears your redirection–stop jumping on couch, but keep jumping on trampoline. He does not hear the word, “no,” he does not hear any criticism or anger. He hears support and understanding and someone who is trying to help him solve a very real problem (hyperactive body that needs to move).
Here are examples of other possible redirections in the same scenario. Notice how each of these meets the child’s need to move, but in a positive, safe way.
“Why don’t you vacuum the living room for us?”
“Please get off the couch and jump over to the kitchen to help me with dinner.”
“Great jumping! Come off the couch and show me how fast you can jump up and down the stairs. Ready, set, GO!”
“Let’s jump to your bedroom and pick up the clothes on the floor.”
Remember, the opposite of ‘no’ is not always ‘yes.’ Redirection offers an acceptable choice that allows your child to be who s/he is without hearing negative feedback all the time. It also can minimize power struggles, arguments and upset families.
The chaos of packing, airport crowds and security, lengthy car rides and yes, even overexposure to family and friends is enough to erode any holiday traveler’s festive spirit. Add traveling with children into the equation, especially when special needs are involved, and some parents might wish they could just stay home. But a few preparations, says Fun and Function LLC founder Aviva Weiss, can go a long way toward ensuring a good time for everyone.
Traveling disrupts routines and familiarity with the surrounding environment and can be difficult for children with special needs notes Weiss, a certified pediatric occupational therapist. A mother of four, including a daughter with sensory processing disorder, she says parents of special needs children can pave the way toward less stressful trips by observing these ten guidelines:
1.Prepare the child in advance as much as possible. Practice for the trip for a period leading up to the actual travels. Talk about the upcoming experience to help your child overcome anxiety. Act out or role play anticipated events in advance, from taking off shoes for airport security to applauding after a toast.
2.Redirect anxious energy into constructive activity. To take the edge off the potential anxiety of seeing many less familiar faces all at once, make the event a fun and educational by creating a special activity. Create a small photo album featuring people who will be at the event, and help your child play “Family Bingo,” checking off each person he or she greets or sees across the room. Or, create a pictogram of your itinerary or agenda and help your child follow along.
3.Encourage creative expression. For those able to write or draw, a pocket journal or sketchbook for illustrating what they’re experiencing can provide another useful outlet. Children who are more observers than participants may appreciate assignments such as taking pictures with a digital camera.
4.Don’t expect perfection. Whenever you travel with children, it’s best to “expect the unexpected,” or at least leave room for something to pop up to divert you from your agenda.
5.Secure an extra set of hands. Try traveling with a friend, family member or caregiver to help keep things in order when you’re on the move, provide manpower for carrying belongings and an extra set of eyes, and even make bathroom breaks with multiple children an easier task.
6.Manage expectations for you and your hosts. A pending visit from a special needs child may produce stress for the host as well as the child and the parent. Prepare everyone by communicating your child’s needs in advance and asking for some general ground rules for inside the home, as a gesture toward making the visit as pleasant and peaceful as possible.
7.Bring along some “friends.” Pack a bag of objects that are fun and familiar. Sensory gadgets/fidgets, noise reduction headphones, weighted vests, or favorite belongings from home will help filter out outside stimuli and provide a comforting connection to “home.”
8.Minimize changes to eating habits. Try to keep your child’s diet consistent to prevent constipation, indigestion, allergic reactions or other adverse developments. Feed your child something satisfying to comfort them before a long trip, and take along favorite utensils as a connection to more familiar situations. Don’t expect your child to sit for an entire meal. Rather, prepare a spot where he or she can rest, play or calm down while the meal continues.
9.RX for safer travels. Ready a medicine kit with prescriptions, medical information and OTC products to confront fevers, allergies, cuts and other issues that may surface when you travel out of your home.
10.Preserve the moment but reserve time for breaks. The ingredients of posing for pictures - people huddled close together, bright flashes, noise and the need to stay still - can lead to overstimulation. Don’t oblige your child to participate in all the photos, and be sure to take breaks in between.
Traveling with a special needs child - or any child, for that matter -needn’t be a stressful event. In fact, it can be a great experience, offering lessons and fond memories for all. The keys are to prepare everyone in advance, include a few fun and familiar items and activities, and above all remember that it takes time and patience to learn how to manage change.
Kids with sensory processing disorder often experience anxiety. They are overwhelmed by all the transitions and unpredictable events taking place in their daily lives, but often cannot pinpoint the source of their discomfort. They might become irritable and appear to be irrational. Tantrums often become a modus operandi to attract human attention to their needs.
We all have emotional and physical needs, but as adults, we can (hopefully) identify our needs and address them. We can choose to take a coffee break, exercise, eat, take a bathroom break and speak with a friend or family member.
Children on the other hand, have very little control of their lives. Adults tell them what, where, when and how to do. The equation is simple: Emotional or Physical Needs +Decreased Control= Anxiety and Frustration.
Remember, children are little people with human needs. They benefit from choices and some control in their daily lives. Children deserve empathy and respect. Children deserve to be heard. Their feelings are real and their anxieties and frustrations have a root cause.
Whether it’s noise or new faces, travel and a new environment can be challenging for children with autism or sensory integration disorder. Here are some helpful travel tips:
-Prepare the child in advance either verbally or with pictures
-Have the child choose something familiar to take along as a transition tool
-Bring materials that help the child filter out overwhelming stimuli. Examples include noise reduction headphones, a weighted vest, fidgets, relaxing music
-Show your care and understanding and label feelings: You feel worried/sad/scared? I’m here to help.
-Present choices: Do you want to calm down with your headphones or stuffed animal?
When you are calm and prepared, it’s easier for the child because he/she can sense your anxiety.
